Monday, 1 August 2011

Romance and Seduction - The Essence of Relationship

Much of life's success is about convincing others to do what you want them to do.

Whether it's your kids, your dog, your staff, partner or local supermarket, convincing people to do what you want them to do is a key to getting what you want.

For the greater part, this convincing is done on the premise that it's going to be best for everyone if they do what you want. For example: Getting the kids to do what you think is best for them, makes your life better as well as theirs. Or convincing a well meaning telephone call centre operator that a refund would be in their company's best interest will be good for their review and your pocket too.

This rationalisation is necessary for our moral integrity.

Nobody likes being accused of manipulating people to sacrifice what is best for them in the interests of what is best for you. This deception is often the deeper emotional suspicion that drives to the core of marriage and relationship legal disputes, the accusation that somebody used somebody to get what they wanted.

What many people don't understand is that ROMANCE and SEDUCTION is exactly based on the science of getting people to do what you want. If you can romance and seduce somebody, you can, in fact, lead others with the same paradigm. Lets explore the details below:

Romance and Seduction... the Essence of Relationship

There are two aspects of romance and seduction that are not often talked about.

The first is that in romance and seduction we give people what they want in order to get what we want. This is great, a mutual agreement that, if you satisfy an ego need, such as approval, gratitude, thankful, material gifts, prioritising, infatuating, placing someone on a high altar, then, in return for that placement, that person will bestow some form of compliant behaviour.

So, the first step in getting people to do what we want them to do is one of honouring who they are, appreciating them and their needs.

This first step is often in stark contrast to more medieval forms of seduction which, in essence are to club somebody over the head, force submission, threaten their livelihood and gain slave-dom. This doesn't seem to be without problems in the long term... (payback time later)

The second step that we can observe in romance and seduction is that there's an alignment between what you want and what they want. This is the most complex aspect of getting people to do what you want. Lets explore this in more detail.

In contrast to the writings of Eckardt Tolle and many other people who solve life's problems, it's a well observed fact in human nature that all human eyes look to the future.

There are two future's everyone is interested in and invested in to varying degrees and this is where wisdom is needed because it changes, not so much person to person, but it changes within a person, day to day.

1. Future Number 1. The Next few Hours.
2. Future Number 2. The Next Few Years.

Future Number 1.

Instantaneous gratification is essential in today's world. The more of it we have, the more wealthy, happy, compliant, comfortable and emotionally stable most people become.

But there's a problem with this socialised and very physical aspect of Future Gratification being so short term, or as some writers put it, IN THE NOW.

The problem is this. If you watch a mouse in one of those wheels they get inside, where they run and the wheel turns you'll notice that the happier the mouse (more gratified with each step) the faster the wheel turns.

People are like this too. The more satisfied a person is (gratification) in the now, the more needs they can create to stay that way. Simply we are very adaptive and what pleased us no end yesterday, becomes taken for granted today and therefore drives more need for gratification. Obesity, depression, chronic fatigue, digestive problems, fear, greed and most allergies are driven by this cycle.

So, if you start to become a part of this Short Term Feeding Frenzy, in your attempt to romance and seduce a person, you'll find yourself on an escalating demand curve, in what you gave yesterday will in no way cause the excitement it did, or the reward it generated yesterday. So, you'll be in "never enough" mode.

Of course, this describes 99% of relationships. Living for the long term, feeding off the short term.

In order for this short term gratification process to remain seductive and romantic, and therefore cause people to do what you want, they must remain in absolutely thankfulness for what you offer.

This is easily achieved if they are in pain. Pain causes us to fear the loss of short term gratification. So, whether it's a mental pain (anxiety, fear, anger, depression) or physical pain (unable to enjoy the moment due to depreciating healthy) people in pain usually remain thankful for what they've got, or at least hungry for short term gratification.

This is often the trigger behind relationship failure where the hunt for escalating demand satisfaction has led to a giving up on the part of the seducer because they realise that giving the other person what they want does not result in getting what they giver wants. It's a bottomless pit of consumption, and there's no sustainable romance or seduction that works.

One client of mine met a guy who was extremely wealthy. She described the first years of their relationship and his gifts, their travels and the wonderful life they had and then, a sudden crash. She blamed him, but it was obvious that, while showered in gifts way beyond her own capacity to finance, this client was delirious in gratitude, returning it mostly in sexual and emotional favour. But as time went on, his gifting became repetitive, her resources grew larger with every gift, and her gratitude for the novelties grew less... and with that... the return on his investments in her short term happiness, grew less. (less sex, less emotional acceptance, more complaints).

Future Number 2. The Next Few Years.

When we speak of self reliance as a vital ingredient of spiritual self awareness, the reason for it is to reduce the dependency on short term gratification or, at the least, remain thankful for whatever we have so that pain does not become the automatic trigger to generate thankfulness in our lives.

Unless there is a thankfulness for the short term future, there cannot be a respectful focus on the long term future.

So, contentment, or as it's called "the Power of Now" is a very important ingredient to help us remain spiritually, emotionally and materially thankful for whatever our current circumstances are, and this, in turn, frees us to look to the long term future.

So, if you are romancing or seducing a person who

Is not in short term pain and therefore in short term gratification mode.or Is a spiritually aware individual who is thankful for what they already have (contentment)Then, you are going to need to offer longer term inducements to get them to do what you want.

In the case of the wealthy guy and my client, he offered a baby, which they had and then fought over. The reason for the fighting was that she went into immediate mothering pain, reverted to short term gratification, didn't know what she wanted to gratify herself, became compulsive, obsessive about the child, wanted new personality, spirituality and gurus and there was nothing her wealthy partner could do to romance or seduce her. In other words the pain of motherhood ironically drove her to self obsession. (the child became ADD and Hyperactive mirroring the mother)/

Long Term Romance and Seduction

A pay rise motivates people for around a month. This is the corporate statistic that is measured repeatedly. The lack of a pay rise demotivates people for years.

Short term gratification is an essential platform for long term, but while an individual is in short term pain, short term gratification mode, no long term inducements are going to motivate them to do what you want.

Take a group of eight people randomly selected and invite them to choose from a range of prizes. The prizes are all worth the same amount. There are chocolate bars, wine, a meal at a restaurant, a hair cut and a long term course in whatever they might choose. Make the value of each prize equal.

You will learn everything there need to be learned about that person's current motives simply by their choice. The shorter the gratification period of their choice, the more pain, or discontent they currently experience.

Long term future's create long term relationships. Short term future's create romantic and seductive relationships. Both are essential but if one is emphasised as more important than the other, or to the exclusion of the other, the seduction will not sustain itself.

To get people to do what you want you need to know whether they are in short term or long term mode. The key is to appeal, at all times to both and have the strength and courage to say NO to unbounded short term appetite for short term gratification. Saying no, to short term gratification builds appreciation, and appreciation for what you give, both short and long term, is the secret to getting what you want.

Innerwealth is a real life, everyday, raw and nature based awareness that helps people live from the inside out. It opens hearts from past challenges, frees vision, inspiration and life purpose and gives rise to true human potential in all the seven areas of life. Innerwealth is also a process, a process that helps people deal with everyday challenges, tap their intuitive nature and live, in a sense, guided from within. A leaders edge, a lovers heart. There are twenty books in the Innerwealth Series, including Sacred Love and Innerwealth, plus "the Laws of Nature for Better Relationships" weekly blogs and podcasts. Chris Walker also runs consultations, interventions and seminars on Innerwealth at work and at home.

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