Paying it Forward: Why Our Gifts Always Keep Moving

In 1989 Roger Montoya left a successful career as a professional dancer in New York City . At the age of twenty-nine, after studying, performing and touring with celebrated dance companies - Alvin Ailey, Parsons, Paul Taylor - Roger returned to his childhood home in Velarde, New Mexico. Growing up in a rural village in northern New Mexico, Roger was loved and nourished by his parents, Jose Amado and Dorotea Montoya; nurtured by excellent teachers; and blessed with opportunities rarely available in such remote, financially distressed areas. Roger showed extraordinary promise. As a teenager he earned a ;place on the team representing the US and Canada, traveling to Romania, France and Denmark. At 20, he received a merit scholarship to the Alvin Ailey American Dance Center in New York City, which led to an astonishing life as a professional dancer, performing all around the world. Why leave such an enviable position, at the pinnacle of such a career? Roger had other dreams. He was keenly aware of the children in Velarde and other rural villages, children denied opportunities he had - unless someone gifted, talented, and experienced would arrive to offer what he, as a young boy, had once been offered. So. Roger left New York to come home. To pay forward those gifts given to him. * * * He approached Bread for the Journey, a small, micro-granting group we started a few years earlier. He needed mats for the floor of a donated gymnasium he used after school, offering gymnastics and dance lessons for free, for any child that wished. For $1600 Roger found a supply of used mats to cover a small section of the basketball court in the elementary school. On those first mats, twenty five years ago, Roger taught children from 3 to 18 years of age how to move. How to tumble, and fall, and spin, and dance. How to move inside their body. How to fly through the air. People who live close to the earth understand that gifts are the heart of any community. Gifts are life, and life must always move. Gifts form a vascular system that brings life-giving healing to this one, nourishment to that one. Gifts arise spontaneously, from each according to their ability, to each according to their need. Many native and indigenous communities recognize that someone's value is not measured by what they accumulate, but what they give to the community. For the Chinook of the Pacific Northwest, the ceremony of potlatch, or giving-away, is tangible proof of a chief's reputation, which demonstrates his ability to share whatever he has with his community. In such communities, a fierce inter-dependence is naturally presumed. We live and thrive because we need one another, we watch out for one another. The health and well-being of each person is directly linked and supported within the larger community. The gift itself is less important than how it moves from one person to another, helping build and maintain relationships, sustaining the health of the community. As gifts move through the circle, they increase in value. The blessings of each gift multiply, again and again. * * * One essential quality of the gift is this: It cannot be allowed to stagnate. In our culture, wealth has been allowed to gradually grow, and accumulate at the top of the world. The gift has stopped moving. While it moves from person to person, company to company, around the penthouse floor, these gifts are effectively removed from circulation. The circle of our world, the larger human community, is bereft of so many of these precious and necessary gifts. Because the gifts have stopped moving - blessing, healing and nourishing the entire circle of life - death, says the Urdu proverb, will surely come. At the same time, Roger had developed a parallel interest in the visual arts, and became an acclaimed painter whose works are collected in the Southwest and major cities around the world. Over decades, Roger would approach BFJ, each time inspired by some fresh, new passion or idea. Something beautiful, exciting and impossible - for anyone but Roger. We invariably gave what we could, and watched as yet another magnificent community of young artists, painters, sculptors, musicians - older students now teaching younger ones - new classes of astonishing performers would miraculously emerge, a vastly blossoming garden erupting into riotous color, tended with skillful attention and an abundance of loving care. * * * Two years ago, Roger approached me again. He and Salvador, his partner, had decided to join forces in helping co-create a public charter school with another inspired visionary, Praire Boulmier Darden. Starting a state authorized public school - beginning with...nothing - was a Herculean task in itself. It would normally involve years of meetings, forums, integrated permissions from an endless sequence of city, county and educational departments, bureaus, committees and boards. But Roger, Salvador, and a team of educators and community members were aiming even higher than that. They had decided the school's curricula would be based on two essential precepts. First, students would develop a keen understanding and appreciation of the earth around them, with a necessary commitment to its sustainability. Second, all students would be completely immersed within, absorbing through lesson plans in every class, endless forms of creativity, imagination, wonder, and above all, artistic expression. Art and the earth were the academic underpinnings of this Montessori-based, public charter school - open to any who wished to come. And they needed to begin immediately, as they had been authorized to open. Right away. "So, Roger...When, exactly, is right away?" I queried. "Oh. In six months." Roger's predictably unflappable reply. Of course. Six months. Were anyone in the world but Roger and Salvador at the helm of this ridiculously impossible idea, I would have wished them luck, and walked away. But this was Roger, and Roger had made up his mind. Which meant I could see the school in his eyes, already completed. Before a single book, brick or piece of paper had been planned, imagined or collected. So, all I could offer was my support - and my concern. He and Sal had been working long and hard for years, without a break. They were both exhausted, and bone-weary. But they were clearly going to build this school. Still. I pleaded with them at least to find some good company. "You need more young people - people in their twenties and thirties, with energy, passion and commitment, to help you, to work beside you. Of course, we will support anything you do. But PLEASE, first find at least a few strong, energetic young people to help you make this happen. You can't do this one by yourselves." Roger took my advice to heart, with a measure of politeness I knew all too well. It was purely a product of his good upbringing. I knew he neither heard nor believed a word I said. Six months later, the school was up and running. * * * This past winter, on a snowy evening, I drove to the Open House for La Tierra Montessori School for the Arts and Sciences. There it was. A school serving 125 children in grades K-8 in the Espanola Valley of Northern New Mexico. The aging former school building they now occupied was lovingly reinvented in just six months with limited resources and an abundance of gifts - volunteer community expertise, time, care, support - the abundant gifts of good company. They had also crafted a creative, ten year lease in partnership with the New Mexico Public Education Department and the tribal government of the Ohkay Owingeh Pueblo, which provided the school a home. This in itself was a dramatic public affirmation of how a gift can move, heal, and give birth to an impossible harvest. This fertile seed was the beginning of an exquisite, inter-cultural collaboration between Hispanic and Pueblo peoples. The abundance of gifts moving between and among disparate peoples revealed an educational, artistic unity rarely witnessed in northern New Mexico. As I strolled from class to class, I spoke with students, teachers, parents of students. How did they come to be here, what was their relationship to the school, how did they find their way into such a radical, rural educational experiment in the remote villages on northern New Mexico? One by one, as each told their story - it was always the same story. "I was student of Roger's when I was a little girl," said one of the math teachers. "Roger taught my daughter for years, ever since she was four years old. Now, she is in college on a dance scholarship," said the man who was the head contractor. He explained all they encountered during the remodel, even leveling parts of the foundation. "When we first moved in, you could drop a marble on the floor, and it would just roll from one side of the cafeteria to the other." He laughed as he spoke of the many hidden surprises - usually bad - that were somehow fixed, made well. Made better. I met another young man who installed the computers and IT equipment for the teachers and students. Most of the equipment was donated by grateful parents of countless children who had been taught, and held, and lifted up by Roger, and Sal, and countless volunteers over so many years. "I took gymnastics with Roger since I was around ten," he offered. "When I heard Roger needed help, I called a bunch of my old classmates, and a lot of us just showed up to help, however we could." At that moment, Roger came up beside me, greeted me with a big hug. Then, with a twinkle in his eye, said to a small circle gathered around us in a voice hat all could hear: "This is Wayne. He said we could never do this. He said I could never get this done. Well, I guess I showed him!" I looked at him, opened my mouth in mock protest, and then surrendered to the laughter of old friends, the joyful relief of those old enough to know that life can be heart-shredding, impossibly hard - and also an unfathomably, unpredictably miraculous thing. We looked at one another and smiled. We knew what had happened. We knew why, and we knew how. It was instantly obvious, you couldn't help but see it. Everywhere you looked, the gift was moving. * * * On a snowy evening in northern New Mexico, the gift was moving. And beauty, grace and wonder were blossoming everywhere you looked. Even in winter, when everything above ground appears to be dead, or dying. But just beneath the surface, something strong, invincible, true, some new, as yet undiscovered gift is already moving, awaiting its season, silently preparing to erupt into some fresh, newly impossible adventure. Awash in colors, shapes, and textures of an abundant fertility one could never imagine possible. I know this to be true. Because I have seen it, again and again. Some new, impossible gift will arrive. And when it does, e will know it by the way it moves, from person to person, blessing, growing, healing each, and all, along the way...

Emotional Affair Or Friendship

In a marriage, what are the limits for friendship with a member of the opposite sex? Who sets these limits? What is the difference between a friendship and an emotional affair? Is an emotional affair wrong? Does an emotional affair help the marriage by letting a partner vent out all emotional frustration, which otherwise he/she would not have done with his/her spouse? Or does it kill the marriage?

What is an emotional affair?

Most of us have friendships. Many of us are very close in some friendships. We share quite a lot in such friendships. But when one develops such a close friendship with one from the opposite sex, it can be termed as an emotional affair. Sharing intimate emotional details with someone of opposite sex is called an emotional affair. This the the common definition. It also includes the clause that you are keeping your partner unaware about the emotional bond you share with someone else.

Does it hurt marriage?

It hurts marriage if after knowing about the details shared, the spouse feels that mutual trust was violated. If the emotional affair becomes strong, it may so happen that one may begin sharing more emotional details with one’s friend than with one’s spouse. That hurts the spouse and may also lead to a break-up.

Why do people have emotional affair?

It is being debated that emotional affair is purely emotional or it is begun because of physical attraction. Does one need a friend of opposite sex to share emotional details? Why not one of your own sex? And why does one feel uncomfortable with one’s spouse about this bond? All pointers go in one direction – an emotional affair may be the way one wants to begin a physical relationship with another outside marriage. Otherwise if one want to have emotional sharing, or to vent out feelings, one can easily consult a psychiatrist and tell all to feel relieved and get advice. Or one can chose a friend of the same sex.

How to avoid an emotional affair?

One who is involved in an emotional affair needs to ask ownself- is this only emotional? Why do I need this person to talk about everything? One must reflect. Talk it out with one’s spouse. Let your head control your heart for a moment and think about the marriage and the bond. This may help in better understanding of the emotional affair and coming out of it.

Saying sorry after having an emotional affir is the first step. Send these eCards to say Sorry and begin rebuilding your marriage.

I Cannot Believe Myself,

Easy Tips To Have Happy Relationships

Have you ever dreamed of having a magic to make your love last longer? If there is a magic, love will be all around, no more sorrow. Or maybe it’s just that some people learn secrets of success from their grandparents or other relatives or friends. And since the latter is probably more accurate, here are some tried and true tips from people who have enjoyed long, happy relationships. 

Dates: Keep dating each other. Even if life seems too busy, meet at the end of the evening for something light and easy, like viewing your favorite sitcom (record it if necessary) together or playing a game of Euchre. 

Space: Give each other some space. Either you trust or you don’t. Get on with life, though. People need time alone and time with their mates and other friends. Be sure to give and take your fair share of space. 

Forget: No need to “always” remember the bad things that happened during an argument. Actively “forget” sometimes. Be the first to apologize and make up. Go for it! 

Fun: Couple tends to have fun on dates, then get married and too serious. Lighten up. Head to Yahoo Games (off http://Yahoo.com main site) and join in any number of card or other games. Or head to a local rental shop and rent an Xbox or other game player and some games. 

Disagree: Agree that it’s okay to disagree on some issues, and leave it at that. No need to create a new religion or political movement just to appease both of you. You don’t have to agree on everything. And you won’t. And that’s okay. 

Refresh: Take time to look back, refresh your memories and share what brought you together. Especially when times are difficult, lean back and rely on these old memories as your foundation and glue yourselves back together with them (not literally, of course!) 

Memories: Make some together. Enjoy special moments, special anniversary dates and events. No need to be elaborate. For example, maybe you enjoyed watching a hot air balloon race one spring day. The next year, you might schedule time to watch it again. Make it an annual event. Collect postcards with balloons on the, playing cards, toss pillows…over time it becomes a theme. 

Start now with these simple ideas to keep your relationship with your special person longer. Most important of all, couples can happily stay together as they understand and complete each other.

Relationship Test If You Are Feeling Crushed

Is your relationship becoming uncomfortable? Are you no longer enjoying the relationship? Do you not understand what might be going wrong, but you can sense it? You are not happy, but cannot pin point the cause of unhappiness. You want to get away from the relationship but are arguing for and against and getting tired of the whole thing. This is a typical; sign of getting crushed and facing confusion in the relationship. 

Let us discuss more about how this happens.

I will give one example- your partner is with you. Your partner is not contributing any positives to the relationship. She/he keeps complaining that you are the cause of their unhappiness and discomfort. You wonder how when the ball is in the other court? She/he does not understand what ever you are trying to communicate. You get angry and try to explain again only to get further frustrated. If you talk of separation you are told that they will not be able to live alone. They want to be with you. Get all the comforts from you. They care nothing about your comfort. They blame you for everything that goes wrong. They understand no communication or act as if they don’t understand. You want to run away from it all, but they make you feel guilty of doing something terribly wrong by that. You simply do not know what to do and are at your wits end. You feel crushed.

What should you do in this situation? Let me tell you. Don’t interact with your partner. Don’t try to communicate at all. Ask them to take care of themselves and not to bother about you at all. Get away slowly by taking no obligation from them. Let them feel it slowly. Over a period of time they will understand that they cannot manipulate you. If at that point, you separate, they will not be able to play their game of making you feel guilty. You will get your freedom. Reclaim your freedom from relationships that crush you.

Is Your Girlfriend A Compulsive Liar

Ideally, a relationship should be built on trust, respect and honesty. Keeping important things to yourself and not sharing it with your partner might eventually ruin your relationship.

There is such a thing as being a compulsive liar. If you are in a relationship and you love your partner too much to let him or her go, then you might want to take a look at the signs and reasons behind being a compulsive liar:

This bad habit can stem from having a very low self-confidence.

There are several reasons why one would compulsively or deliberately lie.

One of which is having a low self-esteem. If you do not love yourself enough, then you can never love anyone else completely and selflessly.

Having a low self-esteem can later on lead to compulsive lying.

Take this as an example. A girl who had a humiliating childhood experience or comes from a broken family is very ashamed of her family background.

Before she finally reaches adulthood, she is at a very awkward stage where it takes very little to wound her fragile ego.

As a result, she makes up stories about his family background, and lies about herself.

Once she sees that her stories are weaving magic on other people and the stories make them like her, what is the result?

She will keep on weaving lies, and this habit she will take with her until she grows into a mature adult.

People with this complex never think that they are, nor will they ever be, as good as the people around them. In the above example, once the girl turns out into a woman and she is at a stage where she begins to have relationships, guess what will happen?

Instead of breaking the chain and finding ways to stop the habit, she will keep on lying to keep a man interested.

In the end, she will never have a stable relationship because the truth about her will come out eventually.

What if my girlfriend IS a compulsive liar?

If you are a man with a girlfriend who is a compulsive liar, there is a very high probability that you will get hurt in the process. Once you find out about the web of lies that she told, will you still find it in your heart to forgive her?

Unfortunately, having a relationship with a compulsive liar is quite harmful to other people’s feelings.

Compulsive liars cannot help lying ‘even to their loved ones’ and if you have a girlfriend with this condition and she does not want to seek help, then you are at a crossroads.

As heart-wrenching as it is to let go of somebody you love with this kind of situation, you have no choice but to let go. Otherwise, you are just letting yourself in for more heartbreak.

Compulsive liar sign #1: I am afraid to face the truth.

A compulsive liar feels that it is but natural to lie, so she is actually afraid of facing up to facts. She is always in denial. She wants to believe the lies that she made up, so much so that she sometimes believe it to be true. In fact, she wants it to be the truth.

Usually, compulsive liars develop this habit at an early age and it is carried on to their adulthood.

Compulsive liar sign #2: My lies are better than your truth.

Compulsive liars usually experience jealousy and fear towards other people.

He or she will also feel that since they are so used to lying, they can easily see through the deceit of other people. Thus, they show an air of authority, and they think that other people will never see through their lies.

This develops into a vicious cycle that is even more destructive for the person with this complex, and will surely affect the people around him or her.

Compulsive liar sign #3: I lie for my own purposes.

This statement is actually a lie by itself because compulsive liars can lie for any reason at all, even if they would not gain anything from it.

The habit of lying has become deeply indebted in their system that they cannot escape from it.

The Cure

The cure for compulsive lying depends on the person herself. If you are in a relationship with someone who is a compulsive liar, ask yourself, is she worth saving? The answer is, of course! Any person who wants to be cured of the compulsion to lie is worth saving.

The key is that she herself should want to change and do away with this habit. With some professional advise, some help from you and your loved ones, then you can take the first step to curing your girlfriend from this ‘disease’ of compulsive lying.

How To Turn A Friend Into A Lover

When two people are in a relationship, they need to share a certain level of compatibility that extends beyond the bedroom. Besides getting along as lovers, they need to be friends, in order to share each other’s joy and sorrow and be on the same wavelength, mentally and emotionally. Friends, who are close to each other, tend to have that kind of emotional and mental connection, which is why the friendship is shared in the first place. Imagine if you could find that kind of compatibility in a lover as well! Read on for tips how to turn a friend into a lover:

Remind them of what they like

If you have a male friend, who have hinted in the past about what he likes in you – certain physical or emotional characterstics that you possess – learn to highlight those features. Just don’t go overboard.

Remember, that when you were friends, how you looked or felt didn’t matter because he would love you nonetheless. But, when it comes to love, you need to present yourself in a way that will make him notice.

Change the talk

When people are friends they tend to talk about everything under the sun, from common interests or each other’s love interests! If you want this person to relate to you on a more intimate level as well. You could try flirting verbally.

Create the ambience

Instead of going with him to a ususal hangout like a movie or a coffee shop, you could change the venue to a more private and romantic setting.

Change your attitude

If this person is already your friend, he will know how you behave around someone you have more than platonic feelings for. The next time you meet him, start behaving with them the way you would around someone you like.

Body language

This is one of the most powerful tools to hint to people how you feel. The body language that two friends share is very different. All you have to do is change the way you touch your friend and if he has half a brain, he’ll get the hint.

Being Dumped Just Plain Sucks

Hurricanes really suck. Even if they do not reach you, they still threaten your safety net. Florida survived last years attack of Mother Nature, so we are a little more courageous this year. Not much, but a little. I would love to meet the person that pissed her off (Mother Nature). Not only does she get even, but she does it with a vengeance. That’s like PMS & Menopause all rapped up. So, for all you poor souls that are in for that ride(PMS & Manopause), and have no clue what it is all about, think hurricane. It can turn in a second and destroy you. Oh, and it has many names also, like bitch, nag, crazy, nuts, annoying, female, insane, messed up, pms’ing, hallucinating, on drugs, stupid bitch, mentally challenged, and that’s just a few, except they are not in an alphabetical order like the hurricanes. OK so we are disorganized. BITE ME! You seriously have to be PMS`ing to be able to understand (winks). I can only hope that everyone gets as many laughs as I have so far typing this.

OK, now onto more serious matters in life. Today I received a question from a guy. Here is what he said:

“Posted by Anonymous 

The last woman I was involved with was quite full of herself. 

So then why did she dump me?”

And my answer to him was this… “Posted by Dorothy 

Hey there, sorry to hear about your being dumped. Not knowing either of you, it is really hard to answer that question. There are many reasons for people walking away from a relationship. It could have plain worn out. Also they could have found someone else. Either way, it sucks, and you have to deal with the pain, and learn to get on with your life. It is a challenge, but it does make you aware, of what being human is all about. There is a saying; “If it doesn`t kill you. it will only make you stronger.” Also I am a firm believer in: ” Things do happen for a reason.” Hang in there, things will get better, if you let them. Take Care and thank you for sharing that with me.” 

“Being Dumped” really is one of the worst experiences, short of death that we, as humans are faced with in our lives. They say that, death of a loved one is easier to learn to live with, than a break-up , “Being Dumped” or rejection.

All of the above, tell us that we are unacceptable to someone. We immediatley turn it into ourselves and that’s when the self-blame seed is sown. Through self-blame we begin to feel shame. Shame is so painful, that no one talks about it or even wants to think about it. Shame is the least identified emotion we as humans deal with, because we are ashamed of our shame. Shame, is yet another negative emotion, that captures and imprisons us in a pit of hell. It pulls us into a life of silence and inactivity, lying and hiding our true fears. When we are rejected in any situation, it is a true hit to our self-esteem. If we are weak in that area, then our fall is going to be very hard. If we are strong in that area, we will quickly become weak. I wrote this in a recent blog:

“When we first fall in love; What is that saying, “Love is Blind”? Ha! Now that’s funny, because it really is blind. We trust so instantly and genuinely that we potentially set ourselves up for the biggest fall in our lives. Why is that? Is it because we are so driven by nature to want to trust someone? Or is trusting someone just a happier, easier, way of life.”

So there it is, we as humans, live to love and want to be loved. We are blinded by the romance of the word ~ LOVE~. We are made happy by the word~LOVE~, but we are also hurt by the word ~LOVE~. So why do we continually set ourselves up? We are gambling, and we do not even know it. Or, is life simply just that, a gamble? The bottom line is, no one wants to get “DUMPED”, because it is not in our nature to know how to accept it. How many of you have been, “DUMPED” and just knew that your life had ended? You just knew that you will never see anything the same again. Well, you were partly correct there. It is like any other change in our lives. Things will be different than we are use to. Your life has definitely not ended. Yes, your partnership has ended with a person, and maybe it was not expected, but nor are hurricanes or wars. We deal with it all, we have to. We chose to survive. Think of it as starting a new life. Newness is positive and healthy. Look at things differently, and embrace all that newness. Do not fear it. “BEING DUMPED”, is just another chapter in your book of life. If you had no chapters, think how dull your book would be. Now, you can open your self to another chapter, and believe me, there are many. If you spend the rest of your life wondering all the “WHY`S”, just think, you have wasted even more of your precious time on something that has chosen another road. As for the fact that a person is, full of themselves, that really has nothing to do with the “Why’s” of “Being Dumped”. Even the most confident people close doors on relationships. They in fact, have more courage to do so than a person of less confidence, or being less full of themselves, so to speak. Who Knows? All we know is that the decision has been made and you as a person, with intelligence, must turn the page. Getting stuck in that feeling just makes therapists rich. (wink) Life offers many, many humps and bumps. We trip and fall, over and over again. The trick is to get real good at picking yourself up and dusting off the old dirt. This is life. I told my daughter, when she was struck by her first cupids arrow, “If you are going to get emotionally involved, be prepared to get emotionally uninvolved.” It’s life! One very important thing we must remember; when we are at the bottom and we feel we are worthless and will never ever TRUST again, it’s is a nothing more than a human emotion. We know it as doubt. We can over come doubt very easily. Look in the mirror, and tell yourself, that you are UNIQUE, and you are going to make happiness your goal. You must risk all the falls to reach that goal. Letting yourself believe that you are deserving of another relationship is truly a risk, again another gamble. But what is life without a little risk? We have the power to overcome our negative self. We just need to DO IT!!